Sunday, February 4, 2024

Just for Fun: Alien Abduction

Dan Bern - Talkin' Alien Abduction Blues


I don't know what made me go out that night
At that hour I'd have normally been in bedBut I found myself lookin' up at the skyAt a very bright light straight overheadIt flashed greenThen redSanta Claus colors
I stood there frozen in that lightThen I started hearin' this kind of whirThe lights got louder and the noise got brighterAnd I felt a sudden chillBrrrrrrrrIt was coldI shouldn't have gone out without a coatMy mom was right again
Then this big old spaceship floated downAnd hovered 3 feet above the EarthNever been so scared in all my lifeCould've given spontaneous birthIf I was a womanAnd pregnant
At least two little guys about 4 feet tallJumped off that space age Greyhound busThey grabbed me by the arms and said"Start walking, Dan. You're coming with us"AbductionThey didn't actually speak, but I understood 'emTelepathy
They strapped me down to this metal crateTook out the 35-foot long hoseThey said "Don't worry, this won't hurt"Then they shoved that sucker up my noseAll the way upI knew my nose way long, but this was a suprise
They examined me from head to toeStuck prods in every orificeThis cold gray box came and gave me a kissThen extracted a coupld of quarts of pissI felt dehydrated
Then they waved this wand around my headSaid, "Now we're reading your thoughts, you seeYou got an awful lot of songs in thereThough it seems they're all in the key of G"I said "What about Marilyn? That's in D"They said "D flat, actually"I said, "Yeah, because I tune it down a half stepWhat about Hannibal?"They said "What about Hannibal?"I said "Well, technically, it's in GBut it's really a dropped D tuning capo'd up"They said "How come you don't play the harmonica more?"I said "How come I'm in a space shipTalking to aliens about my act?"They said, "We'd rather talk physicsBut you're illiterate there"Couldn't argue
They dropped me somewhere in BrazilTook a month to get back to the USAWhen I told my friends what I'd been throughNo one believe what I had to sayThat suckedIt's to be expected, thoughMost people think Hannibal's in straight tuning
Well, my life's back to normal nowI do the things I always doBut once a week I meet with 12Other folks who've been abducted tooI tell my storyThey tell theirsI don't believe them, though

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